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“LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez is on a long list of books that I have to read before I die. I have been told, by no less than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, that this long and complicated novel is worth the trouble, but then I often browse or read in bits and pieces these days in search of topics to fill this column space.

Since Valentine’s Day and Chinese New Year come on the same day in 2010, I thought of doing a column on the various amulets and love potions for sale in the makeshift stalls outside Quiapo church. I have seen the reused “lapad” bottles filled with strange and obviously inedible liquids marked crudely with paper labels that scream “Pampalaki” (Enlarger) or “Pamparegla” (Menstruation inducer). There are leaves, roots, herbs, crystals galore, and stones of various colors that make one irresistible to the opposite sex if mixed and administered correctly. (I should remind Danton Remoto that Ladlad should campaign for love potions for those attracted to the same sex.)

Among the many fascinating anting-anting available, the one that literally stands out from those brass plaques inscribed with Latin mumbo-jumbo is an image of the Christ-Child, the Santo Niño, depicted in all its naked glory. This brass image has the iconographic attributes, rays or “potencies” radiating from its head. On the left hand the Santo Niño carries an orb while the right hand is raised in blessing. What makes this different from the rest is that the Infant is shown with an erect penis. I have not seen it yet but I have been told that you can buy this in various sizes (its member also comes in various sizes with some models having bigger, forgive the pun, screw-on member). This amulet, which is supposed to make men irresistible to women, has been around longer than Viagra.

To get some background on this, I turned to the late Fr. Francisco Demeterio’s four-volume “Dictionary of Philippine Folk Beliefs and Customs” (Cagayan de Oro: Xavier University, 1970). It has no entry on the naked Santo Niño from Quiapo, but it contains a whole section on “lumay” or love charms that the loveless on Valentine’s Day 2010 can try out with the same hope that one brings to a lotto outlet.

First, there is the “Angelito” or “little angel” that is taken from the corpse of a female infant. Unfortunately, there are no instructions on how to go about acquiring this amulet, it just says that it is difficult to get but promises any man who has it the attention of all the beautiful maidens in the neighborhood. So strong is this “angelito” (actually it should be known by its feminine form “angelita”) that maidens will make advances on the bearer.

Another amulet, made from the ashes from a spotless black cat, is said to make the bearer invisible and attractive to the opposite sex. Another option is to abstain from bathing for a whole week, with no part of the body being washed, not even the face. The accumulated grease and grime (libag) is then rubbed off and placed in a bottle, and then mixed with tuba or chocolate for the girl to drink unknowingly. This will make her more responsive to the man.

More difficult to do for a man is to tie a butterfly to a woman’s hair. If accomplished, the woman will go crazy over him. Another method, which is almost impossible to do in urban areas today, is to watch the night sky in search of a falling star. When a man sees one, he should take a pebble from the ground and place it in his mouth. This will make him lucky in love, or perhaps turn him into Darna.

You can also look for a star or the new moon. When you see this, it is a favorable time for courtship.

If you don’t like making love amulets at night, there is one that can be made in the daytime. Face the sunrise and do not close your eyes. When the intensity of the sunlight increases, you will begin to shed tears. Harvest three teardrops on a tobacco leaf and close your eyes before you go blind. Then roll the tobacco and smoke it near the object of your affection. One sniff and he is all yours.

Holy Week is just around the corner (Ash Wednesday comes next week). Bring a handkerchief with you to church on Good Friday. Immerse it in Holy Water and that will make you attractive to the opposite sex.

If you are brave enough to do so, go around at night on Good Friday in search of a special banana species whose heart opens and drops a hard stone that you must swallow. In other variations of this banana amulet story you must grapple with a demon before swallowing the amulet.

There is one thing the sponsor of a newly baptized girl can do for his godchild. He should run to the door after the ceremony so that she will have many suitors.

Finally there is the belief that you can see the face of your future spouse by standing before a mirror in a dark room at midnight holding a lighted candle. The face of the beloved will appear behind your reflection. This can be done on Valentine’s Day, but you have to wear black instead of red to make this work. The terrifying part of this process, as immortalized in Nick Joaquin’s classic short story, “May Day Eve,” is that sometimes the devil appears instead of the beloved.

Oh, how innocent they were in the age before Viagra.

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FURNITURE retailer Courts Jamaica Limited has agreed to cover the future cost of Viagra for a 26-year-old man, to whom it was recently ordered by the High Court to make a hefty multimillion-dollar payment in damages.

Courts is to foot Viagra cost for Kenroy Biggs to the tune of $1.53 million, a figure that has been affirmed by Justice Bryan Sykes in a ruling late last month.

Overall, Courts is to shell out $45.85 million in damages to Biggs plus legal costs.

Biggs of Cane River, St Andrew, suffers from permanent erectile dysfunction and his whole person has been impaired by “55 per cent” as a result of a Courts truck crashing into him seven years ago. Biggs also lost part of his left leg by way of amputation.

Biggs was hit by the truck and pinned to a wall while walking in his Cane River community on the night of March 23, 2003. He was 19-years-old at the time.

This marked the beginning of several years of medical procedures, which included urethra surgeries in the United States, along with persistent back and other pains.

Biggs later filed suit against Courts to recover damages. The company later agreed to some of the damages sought by Biggs, including his Viagra expenses.

During the assessment of damages hearing before Sykes in December last year, medical evidence was given that Biggs suffered “significant erectile dysfunction” for which Viagra was prescribed.

Another medical report states that Biggs suffers from depression as a result of the trauma of the accident and the constant worry that he may not be able to engage in sexual relations or father a child.

According to the medical report, Biggs is functioning at “65 per cent of his full overall psychological capacity”.

Sykes, in making the award, lamented Biggs’ plight.

“In light of what has been said, I feel that a sum of $18 million is appropriate compensation for pain, suffering and loss of amenities. This head of damages covers physical as well as psychological suffering,” Sykes wrote.

Added Sykes: “Mr Biggs has permanent urological damage. There is the permanent problem of stricture of his urethra, which can only be relieved by the painful insertion of catheters. Mr Biggs has permanent erectile dysfunction. He has lost a leg.”

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With a short turnaround to Thursday’s first leg of the major semi-final there is one thing that would to be of major concern to the coaching hierarchy at Melbourne Victory and it isn’t the mounting injury toll.

It is that in 270 minutes of football against Sydney FC this season we have failed to breach their defence and find the back of the net. More than that, I can’t think of that many times that Clint Bolton has been severely tested. Further to that, with the added absence of Kruse it is going to be a whole lot more difficult.

It is far from pretty, but you have to admit that Lavicka’s tactics against the Victory have worked very effectively so far this season and the next four days, Merrick and Co. must get out the old butcher’s paper and do some severe brainstorming to find a solution to counter it. It is all well and good to play and say you play good football but if you can’t find the back of the net, it sort of defeats the purpose.

And whilst they are at it find the ladder that someone walked under or the black cat that crossed our path or in the words of Randy from My Name is Earl wait until white cat circles us backwards. Because something also needs to be done about wretched run of luck with injuries of late.

But I digress. There must be serious thought put in to a plan to counter Sydney’s effective stifling of our most potent weapon, Carlos Hernandez, which has been a key to their success. Also required is for the other midfielders to step up to the mark and take some of the load from our Costa Rican star.

Whilst Ward, Pondeljak, Angulo all played well in patches on Sunday afternoon, for me there wasn’t enough consistency there to truly challenge Sydney’s stifling defence and that’s definitely been the case as well in our previous two encounters.

Another thing that should be worked on during the next four days is the timing of Mrdja’s runs. It must be difficult to try to fit into a team’s system of play after only being there a week but so many of our chances, especially in the first half, came to nothing because of mistimed runs. Also could someone please find Nick Ward’s shooting boots, they seemed to have been misplaced of late, just when we need them the most.

Considering our absentees (most of them injury and one through stupidity) I was extremely proud of the spirit shown by Melbourne Victory and whilst I am loathed to admit it, Sydney were simply the better team on the day. All I ask for now is some revenge this coming Thursday night and most of all some f**king goals because there is nothing I like more than celebrating when Melbourne score against Sydney.

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A herbal Viagra, coveted by many for its sexual prowess, has spawned a full-fledged illicit network of the banned drug across India and its neighbouring countries.

The demand for ‘Yarsha Gomba,’ also known as ‘Keera Jhar,’ banned under the Bio-Diversity Act is so huge within the country and among foreigners that large quantities are illegally procured from small farmers in Uttarakhand for trade in the Chinese market, an investigation revealed.

Security agency officials say they are aware of the existence of network operations which export the drug at very high prices to different countries.

“Last December, we broke a racket which was trying to export 74 kilogram of Yarshs Gomba to China. They procured it from parts of Uttarakhand and revealed to us that the demand of this product in China is huge,” Bhim Sen Tuty, Senior Superintendent of Police (SSP), Leh told PTI.

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More often than not we associate chlamydia, herpes, and crabs with the young, reckless sexually naive set. You know — one too many beers and no condom at the frat house, a night of passion with a hot stranger who leaves you with an ugly surprise, and so on and so forth. Chlamydia Now Being Blamed For Male Infertility As Well

Adults, like true honest to God middle-aged adults, should know better. Right? Right?

Apparently not. It appears the divorced, over-45 set in Great Britain is rediscovering the lost art of middle-aged STI-swapping.

According to the GUM (general-urinary medicine) clinics and Dr Christian Jessen, the sexual health expert and director of the Better2Know clinics, in the past five years almost all STI’s have experienced a jump with the divorced, single, ready-to-jingle folks.

To be specific, chlamydia has risen 6%, herpes skyrocketed by an astonishing 80%, syphilis has gone up 40%, and genital warts is up 33%.

So what gives? Too much sex on T.V.? Raunchy rap lyrics? Is this something we can pin on Madonna and her baby Jesus? (Please say yes!)

Unfortunately, no. The culprit, experts say, is threefold: no fear of pregnancy (thus no condom), higher divorce rate (thus more casual sex) and drugs like Viagra and Cialis that help men perform later on in life.

If this trend continues, health officials may need to start spoon-feeding wrap-it-up type of education to people who have been having sex for well over 30 years. Jon Gosselin, Lover Hide With Lindsay Lohan’s Dad

“There seems to be a naivety about their risk of sexual infection,” Dr. Jessen said. “Further education and effective testing and treatment are vital across all age brackets.’

In fact, an embarrassing poll was conducted among adults aged 45-55 where nearly a fifth copped to having unprotected sex with a new partner. As silly as it sounds, most of that fifth admitted they felt their chances of catching something were “next to nothing.”

Wow. We propose officials sit them down with a few of those “I’m Positive” videos they show in free clinic waiting rooms. That usually does the trick. (For a little while at least.)

Read more: http://www.yourtango.com/200929451/divorce-and-viagra-cause-middle-aged-sti-jump#ixzz0MrcRpqTs

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